Some things will NOT go away. No matter how hard we try to ignore them.
Some people think if they pretend that there is nothing wrong, eventually everything would be fine. If they change the subject and don’t talk about the problems, issues, and misunderstandings, then they would go away by themselves. It’s like a defensive strategy for them not to have to talk about unpleasant things. And a way to keep a quiet life.
They think that this strategy works all the time. Maybe because it has worked for their parents and grandparents. And it does work sometimes. But not always. Not nowadays. Not here.
For me personally, it doesn’t work. I am not the kind of person who can ignore the problems and pretend otherwise. Well actually, I can pretend. But I don’t want to .
You know why?
In my family, we never talked about anything. We never made decisions together. We didn’t know how. If we had to talk about something serious together, we would end up frustrated and leave the room yelling at each other. We loved each other, a lot. But we were not able to communicate and we didn’t know how to express ourselves. And that’s one of the reasons that I don’t have a deep relationship with my parents. I mean, we talk regularly, and we seem to get along well. But as long as we talk about the weather and the post office. As soon as anything comes up between us, we are like a Japanese cat trying to talk to a Russian fish.
And I have had enough of that. I don’t want to be like that anymore, or raise my kids that way. I want us, as a family to be able to talk to each other, and listen to each other, and communicate. I know that everything will NOT be fine if I don’t talk about what’s wrong. I know that relationships get weaker and weaker, and people grow indifferent, when they don’t communicate. I know people who don’t know each other after years and years of knowing each other(!!). And people who feel they were never understood. And I don’t want my kids to feel the same frustrations and disappointments that I feel. I want to break the cycle.
I am also aware that I don’t really have the necessary skills for that. I didn’t have the world’s best teachers and training when I was a kid, you know!!
I am not very good at expressing myself and my feelings. But I try to do that. Writing here is one way of practicing it for me.
And I try to be a good listener. I am not perfect, I know.
And I should have a better judgement. And I should control my temper. (YES! I do have quite a temper! Especially when I think people don’t get what I am trying to say.)
I will talk about this subject again. Because it’s very important to me. And it’s a process. It’s not gonna happen overnight. I’ll keep you posted on that.
Languages and relationships
A friend of mine, a Canadian guy who has recently broken up with his Persian girlfriend, came to me today and asked me to translate a Persian sentence that had come to his mind from nowhere. He asked:” What does “doostet daram” mean?” I told him that it means “I love you.” He didn’t really tell me how he knew that sentence, but I can imagine that his girlfriend might have said it to him so many times that it is now stuck in his mind forever. How romantic!!
I have always been fascinated by the couples that are not from the same country and have different native languages.
In the simple cases, one of them can speak the other one’s language and that’s how they communicate, such as my friend who speaks Persian and English and is seeing another friend of mine who speaks English.
In the most extreme cases, they can only communicate in a third language. For example, my uncle is a Persian man who lives in Spain and can speak Persian, Spanish and English. He has a Finnish wife, who speaks Finnish, English and Spanish. They have a 3 year old boy who can speak Finnish and English and understands Persian! How messed up is that?!
What is the role of language in a relationship? Is it harder for these couples to understand each other? There can be a lot of misunderstandings between couples who speak the same language, let alone speaking different languages. I get frustrated sometimes, when I can’t find the right word to express myself in school or anywhere else. Can they express themselves and their needs easily enough?
Or maybe it’s just a lot easier for them. Anything that comes up, any misunderstanding or problem that happens, they blame it on language issues, ignore it and move on.
What do you think?
