The weekly phone call
“…
Dad: How is school?
Me: School is fine. I am quite busy. How are you dad?
Dad: I am fine.
Me: How is mom?
Dad: Mom is not bad either.
Me: Any news?
Dad: There is news.
Me: What is it?
Dad: … It’s gradma… She passed away 3 days ago…
Me: Oh….
Dad: She was very sick, you know!
Me: …
Dad: Maryam?
Me: …
Dad: Are you all right?
Me: …
Dad: Maryam
.
.
.
My husband: Hey dad! Maryam can’t talk any more…
….”
*****************************************************************
She was the last grandparent that I had, … alive!
Back to school, little girl!
What I like the most about being in school is that most of the times it makes me feel young.
There is less than a week left until school starts. Back to school, baby!
You would think that after going back to school 22 times, I should be used to it. It shouldn’t make any difference, especially because I have spent all the summer in school, working on a paper. But that’s not the case.
I am nervous and excited as I was 10 or 20 years ago. Unbelievable! I feel like a child again. I have made a list of the things I should do and prepare before September 1’st. I have spent all day today deep cleaning the house. I will reorganize all my drawers and my closet tomorrow. I want to make sure that everything is clean and where it is supposed to be for the next four months.
And I think about next week. About the new people who are coming to school this year. About my friends, whether we will have the same courses or not. About my thesis that I will seriously start working on, this semester. And about the course that I will TA for. About the new undergrad students that I’ll get to know, and torture for the next four months!! And about the instructors of that course who will probably torture me and them together!!
And it’s all so exciting. I am glad that I like my school and I like what I am doing here. It makes a whole lot difference.
It’s the little girl in me in charge these days. She is the one who used to want to have new backpack or new shoes for school. Who used to spend hours organising and reorganizing her new books and notebooks in her new backpack. Who used to go to sleep the night before the first day of school, thinking about her friends and teachers, excited about the new school year.
And I’ll let her be in charge for a few days. And I’ll enjoy it all, while I can.
An afternoon in the aquarium
Since the day we moved here, we have been planning to go and see the aquarium. Our local friends kept telling us how beautiful it was and that we should definitely see it. But you know how it is, right? Weekends would pass and we would say:” Next weekend!” And again next weekend….
This past weekend was a long weekend here in Canada. So we decided that that was it. We were going to the aquarium no matter what!!
And we did!
Wow!! It was amazing. It really was. I was mostly fascinated by the seahorses and the jellyfish. I couldn’t stop looking at them. We didn’t get to see the dolphins, but the rest was awesome. And my husband took a lot of photos, as always. As a matter of fact, I think he enjoyed taking photos of the aquarium more than the aquarium itself! Here, see for yourself.
The alligators, or whatever they are called, were still, like statues. They were the best models for photography. There was a poster near their cage that read: “Yes, they are real! And they are waiting!”
I don’t know what these birds are. They are tropical birds. The red color of their feathers were very bright and shiny.
These lovely creatures were dancing and mating, and changing color right in front of our eyes. After we finished seeing all the aquarium, I went back to the seahorses and watched them for a few more minutes. They were just moving a little too fast for the camera.
Look at all the starfish. I used to have one dead starfish when I was a kid. Here there were so many, in different colors and sizes. There were red, pink, orange, light and dark blue, and yellow!
And all the jellyfish. They were amazing. Just imagine that they are organisms, with no brain or heart. But they move around so gracefully, (with the wonderful lighting in the tank) that you could only think of them as tiny dancers.
If you haven’t seen the aquarium in your city, I encourage you to go. It’s so relaxing to watch the underwater world, and amusing at the same time.
Just sharing!
Some bad things, or rather unexpected unpleasant things, has happened to some of my friends in the past couple of months.
And it makes me sad. Very sad.
And it makes me wonder. about a lot of things. In my life and theirs.
It’s all very confusing and complicated and sad and disappointing for me. I can’t imagine how they must be feeling about it all.
I am not ready to talk about them yet. And I know that you, my readers, will understand. I just had to share my feelings here, as it is, and will always be, the main purpose of this blog for me.
And to my friends: Love and support is all that I can offer you now. I am here for you, if you need me.
Whose job is to write dream scripts?
What are dreams anyway? What do they want from us?! Why don’t they leave us alone?
No seriously! What are dreams? Where do they come from? What do they mean?
I dream almost every night. More than one dream, actually. I dream all night. I actually think I might have sleeping disorder. When I wake up in the morning (or in the middle of the night, depending on the dream), I remember some of my dreams, and only partially. Sometimes I just remember the feelings associated with the dreams, such as anger or fear (Yes! And arousal! I am a human being, too!). Some times I don’t remember the dream, but in the middle of the day, I think about something that was said or done, and I realize that I have seen it in a dream. Which is weird, and confusing!
Some of my dreams are like movies. Full of adventure, with fascinating stories. For example, a couple of nights ago in my dream, I was able to travel through a hole in the middle of the earth to the other side. It was kind of a worm hole. And I was some kind of a superhero or something. When I woke up, I still felt the sense of gravity that I felt in the hole. Or the other night, the leader of a middle eastern country was flirting with me in my dream!! interesting, ha!?!
There are other dreams that are definitely related to everyday life. For example, I have this recurrent dream in which I am trying to say something to someone or make them understand something, and when I can’t, I end up crying and yelling at the same time. I usually wake up exhausted and mad, and want to just continue crying. Communication issues, you think?!
But sometimes, I see in my dream that something bad has happened to someone I love. In the worst cases, someone is dead. And I wake up worried to death. And I just want to grab the phone and call them to make sure they are alright. I know that my dreams don’t mean anything, but I just need to hear their voices.
But I always wonder, what exactly do dreams mean, if anything. And what is the source of our dreams? Is it just our subconscious? Is there anything else involved? Do people have the same dreams? Who writes the scripts of those movie like dreams? Me?! Really?
My surprise birthday party
I had one of the best birthdays ever. I really did.
For the first time, my husband arranged a surprised birthday party for me. He invited all of our friends in school and told them not to congratulate me or say anything to me regrading my birthday.
While this was going on for more than a week, I had absolutely no idea. Me! I_have_to_know_everything me! No idea! Which makes me wonder: What else is he capable of hiding from me??!! Just kidding!
Anyways, he had me thinking that we were going to have a quiet dinner at the pub downstairs from school. But about 30 minutes before we head downstairs, I heard one of my colleagues telling my friend:” Have fun tonight at the party!” And that simple sentence, got me suspicious. What party? And then everything else started to make sense too. Why my husband asked someone:” Are you leaving?” for no reason! And why he asked me what I was going to wear to work in the morning! I realized that something must be going on. But I had no idea it would be like this.I thought maybe 2, 3 friend of mine were going to be there.
But, I was wrong!
We entered the pub and suddenly, I saw a big table, covered in orange balloons (orange is my official color), with about 15-20 of our friends, waiting for us. It was so nice to see them all there. To read what they wrote for me on my card. And the gifts! WOW!!
As much as I tried to look surprised, (and I really was to see so many people at my party), I apparently didn’t. And I had to confess that I knew, when my friends asked me why. I am not vary good at putting up faces, and definitely not a good liar!
After all that happened, cake, candles, balloonyball (volleyball with balloons in the pub!), kisses, and hugs, after all the emails and phone calls, I feel lucky to have so many friends…, to not be alone, even at this side of the earth, far from my family…, to have a wonderful husband…, to be me…, and to be 29….
My sweet 29′th birthday
It’s my birthday this weekend. I am officially turning 29.
Unlike some of my friends who find it unpleasant to age, I don’t feel bad at all. I am where I want to be in my life and I am happy about it. Of course I am not looking forward to some of the signs of aging, like wrinkles and gray hair. I have found a couple of gray hairs this year, not a big deal. But I guess I’ll deal with them when I really have to!
I usually have a sweet feeling about a couple of weeks before my birthday. I cannot really describe it. And my birthday usually ends up very nice, with my family and/or friends remembering it and celebrating it with me. (Except last year!! Can’t talk about it now!)
When I look back at my previous birthdays, there are some very sweet memories.
I have always loved reading, and books have been my favorite gifts. On my 8′th birthday, my parents told me that they were not able to get me any presents. I got very upset and made a scene. So much that my dad got mad at me and dragged my yelling/sobbing body outside to his car and showed me the gift that they had bought for me. It was a bunch of books, about 15 of them. The perfect gift! I don’t forget how happy (and embarrassed!) I was that night.
When I first started dating my boyfriend (currently called Husband), my parents didn’t know about it. And I wanted to keep it that way. So when he got me a huge stuffed bunny for my birthday, I didn’t know what to do with it. How to take it inside without my parents seeing it and finding out about us. So one of my girlfriends brought the gift inside and told my parents that it was her gift to me. My mom looked at us like “Ya, Right!!” , but didn’t say anything at the time. Later she told me that she knew everything.
When I was 18, my birthday fell right after we finished our university entrance exam. My friends and I went to school to celebrate our freedom. They celebrated my birthday by giving me beautiful gifts. Later we took pictures all together holding bits and pieces of the gifts and wrapping papers to make it look like there were 20 gifts or so. I am sure they still look at the pictures and remember those days.
About the same time, my parents got me this beautiful silver necklace for my birthday. I don’t know why, but it felt so good and precious. Like it was the most expensive piece of jewelry that existed. I still have it and it reminds me of them. And I miss them so much.
So I guess I should say “Happy birthday to me, on my last 20-something birthday!” I am looking forward to more unforgettable memories on my future birthdays.
Some things will NOT go away. No matter how hard we try to ignore them.
Some people think if they pretend that there is nothing wrong, eventually everything would be fine. If they change the subject and don’t talk about the problems, issues, and misunderstandings, then they would go away by themselves. It’s like a defensive strategy for them not to have to talk about unpleasant things. And a way to keep a quiet life.
They think that this strategy works all the time. Maybe because it has worked for their parents and grandparents. And it does work sometimes. But not always. Not nowadays. Not here.
For me personally, it doesn’t work. I am not the kind of person who can ignore the problems and pretend otherwise. Well actually, I can pretend. But I don’t want to .
You know why?
In my family, we never talked about anything. We never made decisions together. We didn’t know how. If we had to talk about something serious together, we would end up frustrated and leave the room yelling at each other. We loved each other, a lot. But we were not able to communicate and we didn’t know how to express ourselves. And that’s one of the reasons that I don’t have a deep relationship with my parents. I mean, we talk regularly, and we seem to get along well. But as long as we talk about the weather and the post office. As soon as anything comes up between us, we are like a Japanese cat trying to talk to a Russian fish.
And I have had enough of that. I don’t want to be like that anymore, or raise my kids that way. I want us, as a family to be able to talk to each other, and listen to each other, and communicate. I know that everything will NOT be fine if I don’t talk about what’s wrong. I know that relationships get weaker and weaker, and people grow indifferent, when they don’t communicate. I know people who don’t know each other after years and years of knowing each other(!!). And people who feel they were never understood. And I don’t want my kids to feel the same frustrations and disappointments that I feel. I want to break the cycle.
I am also aware that I don’t really have the necessary skills for that. I didn’t have the world’s best teachers and training when I was a kid, you know!!
I am not very good at expressing myself and my feelings. But I try to do that. Writing here is one way of practicing it for me.
And I try to be a good listener. I am not perfect, I know.
And I should have a better judgement. And I should control my temper. (YES! I do have quite a temper! Especially when I think people don’t get what I am trying to say.)
I will talk about this subject again. Because it’s very important to me. And it’s a process. It’s not gonna happen overnight. I’ll keep you posted on that.
When Forever In School gets bored and tired!!
So, lately, I haven’t been as efficient as I should be. I think I am a little tired, mentally. I have had two hectic semesters in fall and spring and I have been writing this paper since the beginning of summer. Although I usually get a good night sleep and don’t work on weekends, I don’t feel refreshed afterwards, on Mondays. I just don’t want to go back doing what I am supposed to do in school.
On the other hand, when I stay at home and do other things that I like more, like reading and blogging, I don’t feel good about it. I feel like I am wasting my time when I am supposed to be working right now. My husband sometimes tells me:” If you want to take a day off, then take a day off. Don’t think about your work or anything related to that. Just enjoy your day off.” But I can’t really do that.
And it’s not just work that I don’t feel like doing these days. I am tired of my books, the TV, cooking, the house. I am very irritable these days too, which has made my husband keep a safe distance from me, not to get beaten and hurt by tired-irritable-bored-notInSchool me, which in turn has forced me to nag about it here. I have the right to nag about it somewhere, don’t I?
I think I need a vacation, but I can’t think of anywhere to go that would make me feel better and guarantee that when I come back, I am refreshed as Dove’s cucumber body wash ad on TV!
Any suggestions for a vacation?
Anywhere not in the US please, because I don’t really have enough energy to go through visa application for the US. And consider my student budget too please. Don’t suggest ‘a trip to Paris’ or ‘a getaway to Canary islands’!!
Thanks.
Kung Fu Panda
Here is a quote from master Oogway (the turtle) in Kung Fu Panda movie:
“Past is history. Future is mystery. Now is a gift, and that’s why they call it present.”
I’ll write about this subject later. For now, go see the movie if you want to laugh and laugh and laugh. We had a great time last night watching it with our friends.
